The Flip Side

I loved being single. I love being married.

Ask me in either stage of life if I would trade for something else and my answer would be "no, there are things I would change, sure, but I like where I am."

Single Life:

Yes, I wanted to be married, I wanted kids at some point. But I loved who I was, and I enjoyed planning the next adventure, the drive to accomplish the next big thing. I didn't have to ask if it was okay to do X or Y, I knew.

There were days I was lonely, sad, miserable. Sure, but everybody has a few of those. I was content. I had good jobs and more-than-decent coworkers. I lived in a wonderful area of the country. I had a HUGE network of people and friends, a remarkable feat for a First Class Introvert. (Yes, I am 'that' introvert.)

Life was good.

Married Life:

We both want kids at some point, and we both have the same goals. We have enough of the same interests to enjoy all our time together and enough different interests to be happy in time alone.

We're still moving in and learning what each person deems a reasonable expense. We're still settling in, learning to read each other and to communicate. My family loves him and I love his.

Life is good.

So, if things are good, what's the point of an update?

Well, I nearly lost my mother due to doctor negligence. (FYI, if you have a friend or family member sent home with any kind of pneumonia or lung compromise and the physician just gives them cough syrup, get a different doctor.) I nearly had a funeral instead of my wedding. I did have several friends and family pass away in the month following my wedding.

So, takeaway number 1-- Go spend time with the people you love and the people you like. They'll be gone or too far away to do so faster than you think.

Takeaway number 2--Things will never, never, ever, never, never, ever, ever turn out the way you plan, expect or envision. Nothing. Ever.

Just accept the fact that expectations will only ruin your enjoyment. Sure, have a standard and a vision, but I promise, things will not go 100%. Your ten point plan? Consider it a win if you get five of the points. My wedding was wonderful, but my mother in the hospital was not the only upset in my preparations. I can still consider it all a success. Mom was out, alive and walking for my wedding. My paperwork is filed, there was more than enough food, and my brother played his violin for us all. I had so many people there to love and encourage me. Many friends have reached out in support after our marriage.

No, nothing went quite as expected or preferred, but the memories are precious and I wouldn't change a thing.

Takeaway number 3--You will always gain something in exchange.

I've moved half a continent from home, far faster than I planned, and left behind things I wasn't expecting to at the time. I have gained the nieces and nephews I always wanted.

I've left my jobs. I now have the opportunity to start new ones.

I've left the randomness behind that was a fundamental part of my existence. I've gained a man I trust.

Whatever you give up, there will be something new in its place. The trade doesn't happen overnight, and it's not always fun. It's an adjustment, and sometimes the trade you get is...nothing. You give up something that was draining you without you realizing, and the nothing is actually full of peace and possibility. Just give it time.

Takeaway number 4--Possible and probable discomfort should be considered, but not made into a deterrent. (That's a fancy way of saying, 'no pain, no gain'.)

I am well aware of the wonderful things I've left. I am also aware of what I am going to lose in time. I am weighing what is worth the effort to maintain which means some more will be lost, and what isn't lost will require more effort than before. I am also aware that what I have gained and will build is and/or will be of greater value than the loss.

My Mom tells the story of a woman who, when I was growing up, advised her not to be sad that I wasn't an infant anymore. "I've learned," she told mom, "that it's sad to change, but that each stage of their lives has something new and wonderful the others won't. I don't want to miss out on this stage missing the last one, or dreading the next one."

A widow in my church advised me to treasure the people in my life because, as she put it, "they'll be in the arms of Jesus before you know it." I know for a fact she would not have made a different choice, even with the losses facing her.

So, write down your perspective now, and don't be ashamed of it. Write down your perspective later and see how far you've come. I loved what and who I was, I love what and who I am, and I'm learning to be okay with the rough bits.

I hope this helps.